My partner and I struggled with infertility for three years before getting pregnant and it was an extremely difficult time on both our mental and physical health. I felt betrayed by my body. Instead of this experience bringing me closer to other women, I felt isolated. When I did finally have my son, I felt guilty for feeling frustrated or exhausted with this baby that I wanted so badly.

For me there was a lot of expectation. Expectations that I’d be overcome with joy and excitement, and I was, but that was also paired with fear, resentment, and uncertainty. This mix followed me throughout my pregnancy, childbirth, and especially postpartum.

Of course birth is such a transformative experience for any individual. After being poked and prodded so much by the medical system for infertility, I wanted as low an intervention birth as possible. I had planned a beautiful water birth and ended up with an emergency c-section. I think my body and mind are still healing from the trauma of suddenly being rushed into surgery. I wish someone would have told me that birth is really hard, and motherhood is really hard. Resist the urge to retreat into yourself. Writing out your experiences is very cathartic.

When I look back on that time, I think the pandemic taught us all how to be alone a bit too well. Maternity leave is isolating to begin with and during a pandemic, even more so. I didn’t find myself reaching out to my friends or other new moms as often as I expected. I dealt with the worst of my mental health actually ten to fourteen months after my son was born. I was still home full-time and felt daunted by making plans or even leaving the house. The piece of fabric I’m submitting is from an outfit that I made for my son’s first birthday. I had planned a whole party and cancelled it the day before due to anxiety. The idea of hosting 20 people and juggling nap times etc felt beyond my mental capacity.

—Anonymous