There are so many hormones circulating during all of these periods—trying to conceive, pregnancy, the first year following childbirth, and beyond— that we often displace our truest emotions, anxieties and agitations as related to these shifting hormones. Though hormones definitely play a role in it all, all our feelings are completely valid as we adjust and adapt to our new life caring for our new baby.

We have had eleven pregnancies—seven babies who aren’t physically here but are always with us, three living and one on the way. I have faced several losses and never really “enjoyed” pregnancy again after our first loss. After that blissful naivete was stripped, it was replaced with such fear every time, but the hope in a baby always kept me going. Our deliveries were always traumatic—I couldn’t relax and I just wanted baby out safely. I learned early on that control is an illusion when it comes to pregnancy, however I’m learning more now with what I can control and reclaiming my abilities to finally (though not every second) really soak up and enjoy my time pregnant, and allow myself to do the things I never did out of fear with our last Rainbow Baby.

There are so many moments that stand out, from holding my first-born daughter as she died, to “wow there’s a baby in our house,”  to being so extremely happy, to being in so much pain after our emergency c-section, to losing it on my husband as I learned I had delayed grief, to enjoying again to then lose again, to turn to distraction to cope through another pregnancy to now really embracing what this whole journey has meant to our family and how through all the sorrow and pain we have formed a tapestry—which we couldn’t see we when we were sewing the beautiful product we were creating…all of our eleven babies’ stories that became ours…A Diary to My Babies…

I wish someone had told me that just because I’m a loss mama doesn’t mean I have to enjoy mothering all the time! The pressure I felt to not ever complain or feel the hardships because “I should be grateful and finally got all I ever wanted” was not fair to myself. It ain’t easy at times, even though we adore our children. We can be honest and feel safe enough to share through community.

—Carmen Grover, Author of A Diary for My Babies:: Journeying through Pregnancy Loss