I have yet to bring a child earth-side so I can only speak from my experience of the loss of my first pregnancy and then the gruelling two years and eight months wait to get our rainbow baby (actually six weeks pregnant TODAY). 

The years following my loss, I lost myself. How could my body be both a conduit of both life and death? I struggled with constantly thinking I was broken. That maybe I would never be a mom or maybe I was not meant to because I was going to be a bad one. 

I developed PTSD because of the traumatic loss I experienced with my miscarriage and had to spend 2022/23 in EMDR therapy to feel like myself again. I felt alone. When we lost our first, 16 friends/family members were pregnant and all went on to have successful births. The statistics of 1 in 4 women felt like a lie. I was 1 in 16. I struggled through holidays. Life wasn’t the same. Now that we are finally pregnant again, I didn’t realize how hard the anxiety would be. Every day I have to wake up and make a choice to not be afraid.

The anxiety and isolation were the worst. No one in my family had experienced a miscarriage and the WORST things were said to me. At least it was early. Get over it, your pregnancy simply wasn’t viable. At least you know you can get pregnant. People revealed their true colours and we lost a lot of friends. My brother and SIL, who were also pregnant at the same time we were, told us “your miscarriage caused us to not be able to have joy for ours. You robbed us of that.” It was beyond cruel and brutal.

A moment that stands out is a recent one: getting pregnant after stopping all treatment and truly surrendering it to God. We decided to stop forcing it and just enjoy the holidays, as hard as they are, and we found out we were pregnant on what would have been our first baby’s 2nd birthday. It was so redemptive and beautiful.

I wish I had known that it’s okay to grieve a miscarriage no matter how early or far along you are. A loss of life is a loss of life and dreams and so many things. Your feelings are valid. Also that most people mean well, but they absolutely do not know what they do not know. Don’t take advice from someone who hasn’t walked the path you’re walking. They don’t fully understand! Here’s what I would tell someone going through it now: I promise it does get better. It’s hard when you’re in the thick of it. Life is still good even when you don’t get what you think you want or need. You are not defined by miscarriage or infertility.

I just wish I could go back and give myself a hug and hold me through the nights where I didn’t think I could possibly cry any more tears.

—A.C.