I gave birth to my second baby, my son in spring 2023. Life with two littles has been so much harder than when we welcomed our daughter in 2020, even with the challenges of the beginning of a pandemic. 

With my son, after a few excited days at home from the hospital, I started experiencing significant mood shifts, and sensitivity to noise, including having other people in our home. I had feelings of disconnect from my son and extreme guilt and sadness that I wasn’t more happy to be enjoying my new baby. I missed my daughter, and felt like I was letting her down by being consumed by the baby. I also had trouble getting out of bed in the morning, consumed by the dread of the hardest hours of the day and night to come later. 

At the six-week-mark postpartum I concluded with my care team that I was experiencing postpartum depression and anxiety. I was lucky to have an action plan and care providers come together quite quickly, however it has felt like a slow churn to feel more like my more stable self the past ten months. I have more strategies and some additional resilience now, but I still feel heartbroken that my experience this past year has been consumed by so much anxiety, stress, sadness, and overwhelm. I keep thinking I wish I had more time to devote to both my baby and my little girl, before I return to working full time outside our home again.

A very painful memory for me is a moment when my husband was playing with our new son, and tried to catch my attention to share in the excitement and fun. I remember feeling so numb and then heartbreakingly sad that I couldn’t feel any joy in that moment.

I wish that someone had sat me down very early on and said, “Here are some things I’m observing that seem to be making you really sad and anxious. What can we do as a family to make things easier for you? Why do you think you’re feeling this way?”

It continues to surprise me how varied this perinatal experience is between different families and also just my experience with my two children. It feels hard to anticipate someone’s needs or challenges when things can look so different from the outside.

If I had the opportunity to speak to someone going through what I went through, I would let them know that the transitions that take place during the perinatal period are life changing. The more you can vocalize any thoughts of challenge, anxiousness, overwhelm, hopefully the sooner a circle of care can help find the best ways to support you. Also, if you are experiencing challenges, it can often feel like a marathon instead of a sprint, so try and find patience for your progress, even if setbacks feel disappointing.

When I look back, I feel significant grief for the experience I thought I would have after having my second baby, but I have also learned so much about perinatal mental health and my own identity and relationships. I hope that I can find ways to help others experiencing challenges during this season of life.

—Meghan Mullaly