When I think about perinatal mental health, I think about my journey of becoming a mom while having a mental illness and going through grief. When I think about my perinatal period, part of me feels exhausted and sad about what I went through and what lies ahead. However, while I now look down at my daughter, peacefully sleeping in my arms, I snap into the present moment and I am able to feel overwhelming joy.

This time in my life, as a mom living with bipolar, has been about preservation—preserving my best self so that my dream of motherhood could become a reality.

My challenge was not getting to a place, mentally, where I would find myself close to having a manic or depressive episode. There were a few situations that could have gotten me close. One being the two miscarriages I had.The second having a parent being diagnosed with a progressive illness during the time we were trying to have a baby.

At 38 weeks pregnant, in a moment of panic, I started searching for podcasts that talked about postpartum depression/anxiety and ways to prevent it. In one of the podcasts it said “people with the highest risk of having postpartum depression are those with mood disorders, major life stressors and previous miscarriages.” In my head I thought “Check, check, check…oh shit.”

I felt so overwhelmed and lonely. I felt isolated in the situation I found myself in and I just wanted practical strategies that would make what I was feeling go away. I felt fear. Fear of not knowing what to expect with labour, delivery, and postpartum. The fear of how the new routines (or lack thereof) would impact my mental health. The fear of not being able to have my baby in time for my parent to be here. The fear of the future and how my parent will likely not be present for key milestones as my daughter grows.

I wish I would have known to trust myself and my life experiences more. The things that worked for me were largely strategies and tools I was already implementing with the help of my husband.

I wish I would have known how crucial the role of the perinatal mental health team would be, particularly in giving me the validation that taking care of myself was foundational to the wellness of my family. I frequently heard healthcare providers stress the importance of “a healthy mom equals a healthy baby.”

As women, or collectively as a society, we sometimes view other women as being selfish when we take time to prioritize ourselves. During my one manic episode I fixated on a word I thought would be best suited for situations when we need to choose ourselves. This word was “self-ful.” You are being self-ful when you choose to do things that fill up yourself, your soul and your capacity. This term has stuck with me ever since and I think this is particularly important throughout the perinatal journey. Since bipolar is hereditary (in my case) my hope is that I can teach my daughter the concept of self-ful, where it came from and how to use it.

—Anonymous