When I try to sum up the whole process of conception, pregnancy to motherhood, the most realistic word that comes to mind is rebirth. It’s what separates us from our old self and our new one. There is nothing like it and no real way to describe it that would be impactful or raw for those who haven’t been through it.

The whole journey is challenging, painfully difficult, and hard. I believe personally I struggled with the choices I made having absolutely no idea what I’d be giving up and signing up for. I struggled deeply with my loss of identity, my body, my independence being taken away, loneliness, lack of support and having to give myself selflessly to my children 24/7.

Having a baby when the pandemic hit, let alone already struggling to fit my new life as a mother when I had a history of depression and anxiety all of my life, was the most isolating experience and it has forever impacted me. I feel hurt and resentful when I see the support that many mothers get from their families when they have a new baby and often brings me back to that place of loneliness.

I wish I had the support and care I sought after. I wish I had focused on building a community for myself of mothers I could share thoughts, feelings or fears with who probably were going through similar experiences.

I think prior to having a baby I thought support would just come (grandparents, friends, family etc) but in reality that’s not always the case. Support is not one-sided. I think it’s something you have to build or earn. Although it hurt me, the lack of support after having my first son pushed me to do things on my own and made me a stronger mother. I don’t have to rely on others to help me raise my children. If someone was experiencing lack of support in their perinatal journey I would like to tell them that they are not alone, far from it.

Becoming a mother, raising two wild little boys has been the most fulfilling, exhilarating and exhausting

experience. I never knew if I wanted to be a mother and really didn’t see myself ever becoming one but the days before I became one seem almost wasted. Although I still struggle daily to find peace with my chaotic life and find even a moment for myself, I wouldn’t change it if it could.

My story isn’t traumatic or filled with grief. I had two planned c-sections and my second son had complications and spent a few days in the NICU all of which were impactful on my mental health but surprisingly the hardest part of those things was still the first years of their lives, losing myself day in and day out. Motherhood is truly a rollercoaster.

—Chelsea Ward