My journey to becoming a mom was far from a straightforward one. It was long and filled with many hurdles. 

It took my husband and I nearly six years to become parents. We first tried on our own and eventually sought out help from a fertility clinic. After lots of testing, some medications and a surgery, we found ourselves still childless and longing for a baby more than ever. I’ll never forget the day our doctor at the clinic told us our chances were very slim—even if we did IVF. It’s a crushing feeling. Something that you assumed would be so natural and easy, suddenly becomes out of reach—impossible even. 

We did eventually decide to try our chances with IVF. It was terrifying and exciting all wrapped up with a big expensive price tag. We had three beautiful high quality embryos despite our poor odds and felt so much hope. Three chances at a baby. Maybe even more than one baby. Each time you transfer that perfect little embryo you are imagining the happy outcome—the child you always hoped for becoming a reality. 

Well sadly, in our case, with each embryo, grief followed. You’d think it would get easier to process, but the wound feels deeper and the heartache intensifies. Our hope would dwindle. It seemed like everyone around us was having babies. Baby showers caused me overwhelming anxiety. Leading up to our final embryo I kept trying to believe that this was the time it would be different and also simultaneously bracing myself for the familiar devastation. I thought that was our last shot—we could not sink any more money into this. And I wasn’t sure I could physically or emotionally endure any more. 

Well, it didn’t take and yet I somehow knew I had to find another way. I was not ready to give up yet. Through friends and family we discovered a new path we hadn’t yet considered—egg donation. We were encouraged with love and support from so many around us, and decided on a plan to attend a clinic in Prague. In October 2021 we made the trip. 

This felt like a big reset button—a newfound hope. Two weeks after our embryo transfer in Prague, we were pregnant! My dreams were finally coming true but my anxiety was higher than ever. I remember doing a virtual session with our psychologist and I was explaining my worries and how I was tired of everyone looking at us with sympathy. 

“I just want to be pregnant and excited,” I told her and she asked me if I realized what I had just said. She pointed out that I was pregnant and made me say it out loud several times … I eventually burst into tears. 

You truly do not realize the toll infertility takes on your mental health until you’ve travelled it. The trauma of our journey to pregnancy had stolen the excitement I should be feeling about my pregnancy. I spent most of my pregnancy holding my breath at each check-up. I held off on buying any baby things because I wasn’t sure how to believe that this was all going to work out. 

I actually had a pretty smooth pregnancy overall. Although I was considered high risk and was told I would be induced by 39 weeks, I didn’t get called in until I was 41 weeks. I had a very long and intense labour but in the early hours of July 8th 2022, our world changed forever. We had a beautiful baby girl. 

The morning that we were discharged, we stepped into the elevator, looked at each other and got teary—tears of happiness. We couldn’t believe we actually had a baby. 

I think all along I had thought that this was going to be the easy part—once you have your baby, you go home and live happily ever after. I wasn’t prepared for how everything changes. 

Don’t get me wrong, it changes in the best way possible but there are so many things that are different—including you, as a person. I was now a mom. I now had someone who needed me, depended on me, was a part of me. 

I was not prepared for the hormonal rollercoaster of those first few days. I didn’t realize that I would replay the labour and birth over and over in my head. It’s the most incredible yet overwhelming experience. This little person that I carried inside for so long is now out in the world. 

There are so many highs and lows. There are so many fears. Even just being away from her to shower gave me anxiety. I would hear phantom cries. Holding her and loving her—that was easy. But learning to breastfeed her and not knowing why she was upset was really tough. To add to this we got Covid when she was only shy of two weeks old and then a week later we had to say goodbye to our 14-year-old dog. July was a heavy month for us. 

It’s wild to feel such overwhelming love yet also feel this sort of mourning for the person you were before, the life you had before. I didn’t realize that the trauma I had from infertility would add this extra layer of guilt to it all. I had so many moments where I felt that I had to be okay and grateful because I was finally a mom and this was all l ever wanted. Ultimately I knew we were stronger than ever though—we had a perfect little girl who helped us smile through the hard days. Our long hard journey was all worthwhile because she was finally here. 

In 2023, leading up to our daughter’s first birthday, we talked about returning to Prague. We had one more embryo there waiting for us and we dreamed of giving our daughter a sibling. As it turns out the trip ended up being arranged for October and it felt serendipitous that it all happened to line up to the same time of year as our first trip. It was so special to return and have our girl with us. We had a wonderful trip but sadly that embryo did not result in a pregnancy. 

I still struggle with the fact that I likely won’t experience pregnancy again and that I can’t give my daughter a sibling in the way I’d hoped. I also know though that many people don’t get their happy ending, they don’t get their baby. I know that pain of wondering. I know that feeling of: when is enough, enough? When do you decide that your journey is done? 

Quite honestly, I’m still processing this and asking these questions even with my baby girl. I sometimes feel terrible that I long for another baby. I feel like I shouldn’t when I have the most incredible daughter and our family is complete. If therapy has taught me anything, it’s that two things can be true at once—I can be completely and totally in love and happy with my little family but I can also wish that I had the opportunity to expand our family. 

I’ve been avoiding the boxes of baby clothes and items that need to be sorted and handed on because I feel like this is me accepting that I’m done having babies. I finally pulled out the boxes the other day and sifted through. I realized that more than avoiding the boxes, I’ve been avoiding the grief. The tiny clothes made me smile but they also brought me to tears. As I looked at the tiny onesies, I came across one that I knew was my piece of fabric to submit. It took me back to those first few days postpartum—those emotional and overwhelming days. The little rainbows reminded me that we did get our pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. 

I hope that sharing my story brings awareness and support to anyone who may face similar challenges. I would say to lean into your support systems. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Share your story. Sometimes being open about the trauma and grief we experience helps us feel less isolated. We need to remind women that we are incredible beings who are stronger and more resilient than we may give ourselves credit. 

—Erin Kaiser