My story, as with many other women, is not always understood. 

Hearing things like “but you have a family!” Or “you have healthy children!” Or “you have four kids! Be thankful!” does not negate the loss of life, my hopes and dreams and plans of life, that I still lost. That my body for whatever reason, could not sustain. Not once—but twice. 

My name is Kristina. I am a labour and delivery nurse of eight years at the IWK, previously a NICU nurse for 17 years. I am in my 31st year of nursing. I have experienced life and loss, multiple times both professionally and personally. I am a proud mom of four amazing people. Now ages 27, 25, 23, 17. Not without heartache.

My story started with infertility, PCOS, temperature methods, Clomid, miscarriage and crushed hopes and dreams. Then I had my four children. Yay me!! My body figured it out, with help of course. 

My sixth pregnancy was a surprise. No fertility help!! But whoa. This wasn’t planned or expected. I was then a single mother. Working full time. In a relationship, but not one we were thinking of more children. But how could I not accept this gift after all my struggles to have the children I have? 

Then, he was…gone. 

Today, my family, my parents, are still unaware of my loss. Of my son. Named Marc. Why? Because they just wouldn’t understand. 

I was a single mom already. How could I have another baby in my situation? What was I thinking!? 

Well. I didn’t have a choice. Before I could figure out what to do, I miscarried Marc at 15 weeks while at work in the NICU. I had some bleeding, but I had a heart beat just that morning on ultrasound!! Then, the pain. The waves. Having had children before I knew what was happening. I grabbed a basin and ran to the bathroom. I put the basin in the toilet and my body expelled everything that was growing inside of me. I stared at that basin. My scrubs now covered in blood. My own. And I froze. I didn’t know who to call. Who to tell. Where to get help. I’m AT WORK. And no one knows…..And I saw him. That little form in a sac. The placenta. And I picked him up. And I cried. 

I called my colleague. Quickly people started to figure it out. 

I called my partner. His reply was “I have meetings in the am. I can’t come get you.” ( we did not live together)

I called my best friend. She came. We went home to my place. With Marc. 

She photographed him. I held him. I loved him. I talked to him. I took him to my physician in the morning to ensure my health and a “complete” loss as I was under 20 weeks. 

That was 14 years ago this month. April 7. 

Marc will always have a place in our hearts. His older siblings are now aware of his existence. My parents are still unaware. They still would not understand. 

He has an ornament for Christmas. He has a memory box. He has a name. He has a loss certificate from Ireland. He has a story. 

This year after 14 years I helped another young mom (outside of professionally) make Memories of her loss, connect her with Ireland’s book of loss and help her understand she IS in fact a mom. 

Yes I have a beautiful family. I am so grateful. However I did suffer a great loss. The memories never leave. The trauma never leaves. The dreams never leave. The hurt never leaves. His name ….. Marc Kristian 

He would have been 14. 

—Kristina Griffin